Throughout the years I have had a host of questions and concerns regarding this topic.
How should we interact with our in-laws?
My in-laws are causing problems in my marriage, what should I do about it?
Do you recommend living with our in-laws?
My in-laws are bothering me with their comments.
Odds are even if you are lucky enough to have a healthy relationship with your in-laws someone you know does not. Or maybe you simply wish to make your relationship even stronger. It is possible to have a thriving, healthy, loving relationship with your in-laws and I’d like to show you some steps to achieve this goal.
I know some of you might be rolling your eyes at this point. You might be thinking is it even possible to have a stress free relationship with your in-laws?
Yes, it is actually possible, and by answering the following questions we will learn how.
1- How can you build a strong relationship with your in-laws from the beginning?
2- How can you repair a damaged relationship with your in-laws?
3- What if you can’t repair the damaged relationship, how can you get along with them?
4- Is it recommended to live with them?
5- What is Islam’s opinion on this topic?
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Question 1: How can you build a strong relationship with your in-laws from the beginning?
My favorite sessions are usually premarital or early-marital sessions. Because things are not very rusty yet and couples can learn techniques to prevent any possible issues. It’s a clean slate to work with.
When the time has passed with families having years of conflicts and disagreements without conflict resolution feelings fester and grow. The more negative experiences and tensions you have with your in-laws the more problems you are creating for the future of this relationship. Therefore, before you start your marriage make sure you learn about useful techniques to build a healthy relationship with your in-laws. This way you can avoid unnecessary conflicts from occurring.
If you are at the beginning of your marriage there are a few important points that you should remember:
1- Forget about all the negative stories you heard about in-laws or you saw in your friend’s or families’ lives. Otherwise, you will start this relationship with a tainted outlook due to what you already heard about in-laws. Your mind will register what you heard or saw before with the new incidents and will judge them based on that. The fact is that you CAN have a healthy and strong relationship with your in-laws. Your relationship CAN be different from others.
2- Do not look at them as your enemies and their house as a battlefield.
3- Remember that respect is one of the most important components of this relationship. Keep reminding yourself that you are way younger than them and you should observe that respect. You are at the age of their son or daughter.
4- If you love your spouse he or she is most probably the result of the training of their parents. So you should be appreciative towards them.
5- Having a good relationship with your in-laws makes your marriage stronger due to your spouse satisfaction. I have seen many marriages that are in trouble simply because there is tension between one of the spouses and their in-laws.
6- Never try to criticize or talk negatively about your in-laws to your spouse. Remember you are talking about their parents who raised them.
7- Never ever put your spouse in a situation to choose between you and their parents. Believe me, no matter what in the end you will lose.
8- When they give you advice respectfully listen to them and don’t try to show them that you know more just because you read a few books about marriage or parenting. Even if you don’t agree with them just listen first, if it makes sense what they are saying then appreciate their advice, and if it doesn’t make sense you can share your concern about their comments but do NOT try to convince them that they are wrong.
9- Appreciate them for little things they do for you or your spouse. It shows you are grateful and will strengthen your relationship.
I always recommend my clients who just got married to build their family personalities through defining their boundaries. To avoid letting people interfere in your life, you should set up your realistic boundaries and respectfully announce them to people whom you interact with. (Read our expectation article).
Most probably one of the reasons that in-laws interfere in your life is because you and/or your spouse don’t or didn’t have a good relationship and complained against each other to them. You technically open the door for others to enter into your relationship and interfere. Make sure when you have an issue just close the doors and start communicating with each other about your issues. If your communication doesn’t work then you need to talk to an expert, not your MOM!
Just remember, every time you complain against your spouse to your parents you are literally ruining their image in front of your family. It may take a long time for them to forget about what they heard even if you resolve your issues later on. In other words, you determine how much people respect your spouse.
I am going to be very forward here; grow up and stop running to your parents for every little issue and start building your family personality through boundaries and respect.
Warning: I have seen some young spouses that don’t seek professional help nor talk to anyone they trust about their issues and are stuck in an abusive relationship for a long time. If you cannot seek professional help then make sure you talk to a wise and kind person about your issues.
Question 2: How can you repair a damaged relationship with your in-laws?
Many of you might fall into this category. You are already married, have some issues with your in-laws, and want to know what you should do now to repair the damaged relationship.
Is there any hope at all?
Yes, there is!
I believe there is no relationship that you can’t repair if both parties are willing to repair the relationship through selflessness, accountability, and forgiveness. Even if your in-laws are not willing to cooperate to fix the relationship you can learn what you should do from your end to reduce the issues.
I know what you are saying right now, oh, you don’t know MY in-laws!
I know what you feel because you are having a lot of negative experiences with them you see things differently with them, and you believe it is either impossible to repair the relationship or very difficult.
But if you follow the below guidelines you will significantly reduce the tension:
1- Be unbiased and analyze the situation:
This is actually the most difficult part to try to be unbiased and fair to analyze the situation.
Look for those reasons that your relationship is damaged.
No, it is not all their fault. Remember what I just said, try to be unbiased and stop blaming them for everything.
Here is the key how to do so:
See what part you played that the relationship is damaged now. Do your best to realize your own faults. If you can’t find yourself guilty at all, then there is something wrong with your analyses. Try it again to be unbiased until you find some good reasons you played in the damage to the relationship.
You can get help from your spouse for this step.
Quran Says:
بَلِ ٱلۡإِنسَـٰنُ عَلَىٰ نَفۡسِهِۦ بَصِيرَةٌ۬
Rather, man, against himself, will be a witness,
وَلَوۡ أَلۡقَىٰ مَعَاذِيرَهُ
Even though he may offer his excuses
75:14-15
Imam Sadiq (as): “Three groups of people will be under the Shade of the Honorable the Exalted God on the Day in which there is no shade other than God’s Shade. The first group is those who treat the people fairly. The second group is those who only do what pleases God, and do not do anything which would raise God’s Wrath. The third group of people is those who do not express the faults of their Muslim brothers in their absence unless they first remove such faults from themselves. It is better to attend to the improvement of one’s own faults than to seek out other people’s faults.”
الخصال – الشيخ الصدوق – الصفحة ٨١
Here are some poor judgments that I heard about in-laws:
“My mother-in-law negatively commented on my wedding gown, I will never forgive her for that!”
“My mother-in-law is jealous that I married her son!”
“The gifts that my in-laws gave me were not valuable”
“My in-laws treat each of us differently.”
2- Make a list of those factors that you found yourself guilty of and make another list of those reasons you believe belong to them.
3- Find some good solutions for each of your faults and work on them.
For instance, if you are sensitive, angry, or having high expectations, then it’s you who should work on your personal improvements. If you see you have issues with this step make sure you seek professional help to learn how to improve your personal issues.
Imam Ali (as):
طوبى لمن شغله عيبه عن عيوب الناس
Joy is for the one whose [focus on] their own faults prevents them from [looking for] other people’s faults.
Nahj al-Balaghah, Sermon 176
4- If your relationship is not that hectic yet (you still communicate and have a relationship with them) set a session with them to communicate about those factors that you found. Confess to your mistakes and apologize and try to be assertive and share your concerns with them and talk to them about those factors that are related to them.
For example, you can say something like this:
“I wanted to apologize, I think I have been very sensitive recently when it comes to your comments. I was taking them personally. However, just wanted to let you know that I would like you to talk to me directly about our issues instead of telling someone else. It really hurts me to hear someone else know about our internal affairs.”
However, if you don’t have any contact or relationship with them don’t try to set up a meeting alone and talk to them, you most probably need a professional help or someone wise and respected for both parties to mediate the session.
Don’t try to solve everything within the first meeting, you might need more than one session. You are trying to improve your relationship with them that has been damaged for a long time, so be patient and talk respectfully. If you know you won’t be able to control your emotions and might say something to them that you will regret later on, then DO NOT have any meeting with them directly. In this case, you really need a professionals to help here.
5- Set your goals and keep track of your progress. For example, we would like to visit each other once a week without saying any negative comments about each other.
6- Set a time to review your improvement. For example, you will try the above plan for a month and will keep track of the progress. If this plan works we will continue if not then we need to find another solution.
7- Reward each other for your progress.
Remember again: the key component for taking these steps are:
Selflessness, Accountability (take the blame), and Forgiveness.
If you are arrogant, super sensitive, and angry person first you need to work on your issues before trying to solve any issues with others.
Question 3: What if you can’t repair the damaged relationship, how can you get along with them?
If you can successfully pass the last step you will have a minimal amount of conflicts with your in-laws. However, sometimes no matter how much you try the relationship doesn’t repair the way it should, either because they don’t cooperate to repair the relationship or the situation has presented its self yet.
Warning: don’t rush into the conclusion that things won’t get better, or they don’t want to improve the relationship. Spend most of your time and energy to repair the relationship instead of just assuming it won’t get better.
Remember after big incidents or fights you need some time to calm the situation down, so don’t rush into fixing the situation right away.
This is the time that you should just respectfully get along with them.
Some religious people complain that their in-laws are not religious and that is the reason they don’t want to have a relationship with them. All right, let’s be honest, is this the real reason that you don’t want to have a relationship with them or religiosity is an excuse for other reasons. The reason that I am saying is that Islam recommended us to treat everyone respectfully even those relatives who are not religious. Yes, if they invite you to something forbidden you should respectfully reject doing or attending but there is no reason to cut the relationship with them or disrespect them. This can actually go against you being religious. Therefore, in this case, try to have a kind and respectful relationship with them based on your religion’s boundaries.
Prophet Muhammad (PBUH):
أمرني ربّي بمداراة الناس، كما أمرني بأداء الفرائض
الكلينيّ، محمّد، الكافي، ج2، ص 117
God’s Prophet (S) said: “God has ordered me to treat the people with kindness (get along with them) just as He has ordered me to do what is obligatory
So if you are not able to repair the relationship for any reasons you need to follow the steps below:
1- Based on the intensity of the situation either have minimal contact or no contact for the time being.
2- If you are able, keep having minimal contact respectfully without focusing on the issues. At this time ignore the current issues and move forward until you find a good way to solve the past issues.
3- Your relationship is not ideal at this point and you might see some unpleasant behavior from them or hear some negative comments. Respectfully ignore those comments and behaviors and try to get along for that minimum amount of time that you see them.
4- Try not to involve your spouse in between if they can’t make it better.
5- Stop complaining to your spouse about their parents. By doing so you are either intent to destroy their relationship with their parents which is forbidden (I know it might feel good at the moment that you are angry at them, but trust me, you will lose this game) or you are asking your spouse to help you to repair the relationship (Probably if they could they would have helped by now).
6- Stop complaining to others about your in-laws, including your parents and your friends.
7- Do not try to fuel the fire by reviewing and reminding yourself about what they did to you. Remember this stage is just to get along until you find a good way or a professional to help you discuss and solve the past issues.
8- If there is a big event or ceremonies make sure to invite them. Some occasions in their lives won’t repeat again and if they are excluded they will always remember that as a negative experience. For example, if you have a baby shower for your child right at the time you are angry at your in-laws to make sure you invite them. You won’t be able to make up for this even when the relationship is repaired. This will become something you will regret. Just be cordial.
9- While you don’t have an ideal relationship with your in-laws help your spouse to do their duties to their parents (this will help to repair your relationship later on).
10- Try to have others’ perspective. Maybe it’s your fault and the relationship is ruined because of you.
Question 4: Is it recommended to live with them?
This is a very common question I hear from people. The simple answer to this question is that if you don’t have to I don’t recommend you to live with them.
Sometimes, due to some reasons you and your spouse need to live with them (financial instability) or they have to stay with you (Health issues). In these cases that there are no other options, you need to follow the rules that we mentioned and try to have a good relationship with them.
However, if there is no must to do so I actually recommend you not to live too close to your in-laws or don’t push your spouse to live with them. Even if you can live in the next door is better than being in the same house. The reason is that when you live with someone 24/7 you see more flaws and issues. There will be more chances and risks of tension. Therefore, it is better to live separately and see each other based on a schedule.
Question 5: What is Islam’s opinion on this topic?
Islam is a religion of justice, peace, and forgiveness. Islamic recommendations help people to create better relationships with others based on fulfilling their personal duties. Islam encourages people to first work on their own personal desires and ego before they blame others.
الَذِینَ ینْفِقُونَ فِی السَراءِ وَ الضَراءِ وَ الْكاظِمِینَ الْغَیظَ وَ الْعافِینَ عَنِ الناسِ
The ones who spend (for the sake of Allah) in prosperity and adversity, and those who control anger and forgive people. And Allah loves those who are good in their deeds.
3:134
Imam Ridha (as):
‘One cannot be a true believer unless he possesses the following three characteristics: one from his Lord, one from his Prophet and one from his Imam. The one from his Lord is guarding secrets as the Honorable the Exalted God said, ‘He (alone) knows the Unseen, nor does He make anyone acquainted with his Mysteries, except an Apostle whom He has chosen.’ The one from the Prophet is kind treatment with the people (getting along with them), as the Honorable the Exalted God has ordered His Prophet (MGB) to treat the people with kindness and patience and said, ‘Hold to forgiveness; command what is right; but turn away from the ignorant.’ And the one from the Imams (MGB) is patience and perseverance during times of hardship and calamities. The Honorable the Exalted God says, ‘…and to be firm and patient, in pain (or suffering) and adversity.
بحار الأنوار – العلامة المجلسي – ج ٢٤ – الصفحة ٣٩
These recommendations are based on self-control, selflessness, humility, and forgiveness.
Remember, your in-laws raised your spouse, they are the parents of the person whom you married.
Quran says: don’t say Uff to them if you force or encourage your spouse to disrespect his/her parents you are associated with this sin.
Also, we believe whatever you do today and however you treat people today you will be treated the same way in your life.
Imam Ali said to his son Imam Hassan (as):
Whatever you like for yourself, like for others, and whatever you dislike happening to you, spare others from such happenings. Do not oppress and tyrannize anybody because you surely do not like to be oppressed and tyrannized. Be kind and sympathetic to others as you certainly desire others to treat you kindly and sympathetically.
Nahj al-Balaghah, letter 31
I am sure you would not want your son or daughter-in-law to disrespect you later on.
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At the end I would like to share a few points with the parents who have issues with their sons-in-law or daughters-in-law:
Your in-laws are like your real son and daughter. They joined your family with many hopes and wishes to have a peaceful loving life. Treat them the way you would like your own children to be treated.
Just to make it more practical read and observe the below points:
1- Observe justice:
Just because you are older and you are the parents doesn’t give you the right to violate the rights of your son or daughter-in-law. If you have a hard time letting your children be independent then you should have kept them at home and not encouraged them to get married.
Remember, one day you will be standing before Allah and you will be responsible for any damage you caused in their relationship.
2- Be a good role model:
You are older and should have more etiquette than your in-laws. You should try to be a good role model for them and try to teach them how to forgive and forget. Always be the bigger person and be more patient. They are young and have less experience than you. Be easygoing.
Be nice to them first for the sake of Allah, then your child’s happiness, and also your in-law’s happiness. It will help you to have more peace in the relationship as well.
3- Be respectful:
You might be used to talk to your children however you like. However, you should be very respectful when you talk to your in-laws if you would like them to be respectful to you as well. You should earn respect by doing the same not to expect them to respect you just because you are older. This is more crucial when you talk to them or address them in front of others.
4- Stop interfering;
Once your son or daughter get married they are responsible for the privacy of their spouse. Stop trying to know everything and interfere in their lives. There are many things that you are not supposed to know about their relationship.
Let them learn how to manage their lives and how to solve their issues. If they need your help they will ask you.
5- Let them be:
Whenever there is an issue in their relationship don’t try to help and change things. You might just escalate the problem. Guide them to seek help from a professional. In this way, they will respect you more.
6- Be afraid of the Day of Judgment:
If for any reason you cause a problem in their marriage and damage their relationship you will be accountable in the eyes of Allah. This is a huge burden to carry if you are the cause of a broken home. Please do not take this lightly. Divorce is so disliked in Islam, plus you will be hurting your own child (and grandchildren) not just your son or daughter in law.